I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
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