Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm like, not good at living.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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