I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
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