i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize