his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
