My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
