Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
