There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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