for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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