You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Randomize
