you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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