Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
