You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
