i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
