Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
