Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
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