he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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