I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize