Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
