My underwear smells like fireworks.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Randomize
