You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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