shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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