The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
