It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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