i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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