so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
