He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Damn victory sex feels great
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