I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
