thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
