HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
