remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
