If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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