he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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