Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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