woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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