If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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