He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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