I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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