In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
