Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
