i just wanna soil my oats bro
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
