I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
