I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
