just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
