God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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