this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
that is very illegal...i love you.
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