i just wanna soil my oats bro
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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