Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I know her cup size but not her name....
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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