SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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