i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
