the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
