i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
