yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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