so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
