i don't like sucking hair
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
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