yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
We left the knife in your bed.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
