I cut my penus on the lid.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I checked into jail on foursquare
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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