There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
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