He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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