If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
