He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Randomize